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Elite Hollywood Type Twitter Prayers For Joan Rivers Versus Devout Roman Catholic Prayers For A Happy Death! Which Prayers Are Edifying? Which Prayers Are Worthy Of Contempt?

CARAVAGGIO 
The Death of the Virgin (detail) 
1602-06
“From the looks of Solange’s hair that comb gets used less frequently than the pope’s penis.” Joan Rivers May 30, 2014 episode of Fashion Police
It's so EASY being a Catholic. All you have to do is get fucked by a priest, and they give you a set of candlesticks. Joan Rivers 
I was the only Jewish kid in a Catholic neighbourhood. They all did Hail Marys, I did Hail Murrays. Joan Rivers 
Roman Catholic Prayer for a Happy Death

"O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee; O refuge of sinners, Mother of the dying, forsake us not at the hour of our death; obtain for us the grace of perfect sorrow, sincere contrition, the pardon and remission of our sins, a worthy receiving of the holy Viaticum, and the comfort of the Sacrament of Extreme Unction, in order that we may appear with greater security before the thone of the just but merciful Judge, our God and our Redeemer. Amen.

(An indulgence of 500 days march 11, 1856.)

Modern Day Elite Hollywood Type Twitter Prayer For Joan Rivers composed by Kelly Osbourne:
Prayer to Our Lady to Obtain Assistance
in the Hour of Death

(by St. Mechtilde.*)

O My sovereign, holy Mary, Mother of God, as God the Father in the greatness of His omnipotence hath exalted thee and given thee power above all creatures, be with me, I beseech thee, in the hour of my death, and drive far from me all the snares and craft of my enemies. Amen.

Hail Mary, etc

O my sovereign, holy Mary, Mother of God, as God the Son in the excellence of His unsearchable wisdom hath endowed thee with such great knowledge, and filled thee with such great light that thou knowest the Most Holy Trinity more truly and intimately than all the saints, do thou so enlighten my soul in the hour of my death with the knowledge of the faith, that no error or ignorance may lead it astray. Amen. Hail Mary, etc

O my sovereign, holy Mary, Mother of God, as the Holy Spirit hath poured into thee the sweetness of His love with such abundance, that thou art after God the sweetest and most benign of beings, do thou pour into my soul at the hour of my death the sweetness of divine love, that all its bitterness may be rendered sweet to me. Amen.

Hail Mary, etc

(* We read in the book on spiritual graces, written by St. Mechtilde (in., 33): "A person who thus recommends her faith to God, will at the end of her life obtain the grace to remain free from every temptation against the true faith.")

Modern Day Elite Hollywood Type Twitter Prayer For Joan Rivers composed by Sarah Silverman:
Roman Catholic Prayer for the Holy Death

O my adorable Creator, I ask of Thee the greatest of all Thy graces, that is to say, a holy death. No matter how greatly I have hitherto abused the life Thou gavest me, grant me the grace to end it in Thy holy love.

Let me die, like the holy Patriarchs, forsaking this valley of tears without sadness, to enter into the joy of eternal rest in my own true country.

Let me die, like the glorious Saint Joseph, in the arms of Jesus and Mary, repeating in turn each of these sweet Names which I hope to bless throughout eternity.

Let me die, like the immaculate and blessed Virgin, in the purest love, and desire to be reunited to the only object of my love.

Let me die, like Jesus on the Cross, with the most lively sentiments of hatred for sin, of charity toward Thee, O heavenly Father, and of perfect resignation in my agony. Holy Father, into Thy hands I commend my spirit. Be merciful unto me.

Jesus, who didst die for me, grant me the grace of dying in an act of perfect love for Thee.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for me now and at the hour of my death.

My Guardian Angel, my holy Patron saints, forsake me not at the hour of my death.

Saint Joseph, obtain for me the grace of dying the death of the just. Amen.

O my God, sovereign Lord of life and of death, who, by an immutable decree for the punishment of sin, hast determined that all men must die, behold me humbly kneeling before Thy dread Majesty, resigned and submissive to this law of Thy justice. With all my heart I detest my past sins, by which I have deserved death a thousand times; and for this cause I accept death in reparation for my sins and in obedience to Thy holy will. Yes, great God, send death upon me where Thou wilt, when Thou wilt, and in what manner Thou wilt. Meantime I shall avail myself of the days which it shall please Thee to bestow upon me, to detach myself from this world and to break every tie that holds me in bondage to this place of exile, and to prepare myself to appear with sure confidence before Thy judgment seat. Wherefore I surrender myself without reserve into the hands of Thy fatherly Providence. May Thy divine will be done now and for evermore! Amen.

(Indulgence of 500 days once a day)

Modern Day Elite Hollywood Type Twitter Prayer For Joan Rivers composed by Donald Trump:
Litany of St. Joseph for the Dying

Lord have mercy.
Christ have mercy.
Lord have mercy.
Christ hear us.
Christ graciously hear us.
God the Father of Heaven, have mercy on us.
God the Son, Redeemer of the world, have mercy on us.
God the Holy Ghost, have mercy on us.

Holy Mary, spouse of St . Joseph,
pray for the dying. *

St . Joseph, virgin spouse of the Immaculate Virgin, *
St. Joseph, perfect pattern of all virtue, *
St. Joseph, great model of faith and of confidence in God, *
St . Joseph, who didst adore the new-born Saviour in the manger, *
St. Joseph, who didst see the first drops of His Blood, shed in His Circumcision, *
St. Joseph, who with Mary didst offer the Lord in the Temple, for the salvation of the world, *
St . Joseph, who, obeying the voice of the Angel, didst save Him from Herod's fury, *
St. Joseph, who, full of sorrow, with Mary didst seek Jesus for three days, *
St . Joseph, by whose labour He was fed, *
St. Joseph, guardian of the childhood and youth of Jesus, *
St . Joseph, who didst die in the arms of Jesus and Mary, *
St. Joseph, help of Christians in their last agony, *
St. Joseph, our protector and advocate with Jesus and Mary, *

Lamb of God, Who takest away the sins of the world,
Spare us, O Lord.

Lamb of God, Who takest away the sins of the world,
Graciously hear us, O Lord.

Lamb of God, Who takest away the sins of the world,
Have mercy upon us, O Lord.

V. Pray for us, holy Joseph,
R. That we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.

Let us pray:

Pray for us, great Saint, and by thy love for Jesus and Mary, and by Their love for thee, obtain for us the happiness of living and dying in the love of Jesus and Mary. Amen.

Modern Day Elite Hollywood Type Twitter Prayer For Joan Rivers composed by Giuliana Rancic:

Roman Catholic Prayer for a Holy Death

Divine Jesus, Incarnate Son of God, Who for our salvation didst vouchsafe to be born in a stable, to pass Thy life in poverty, trials, and misery, and to die amid the sufferings of the Cross, I entreat Thee in the hour of my death, say to Thy divine Father: "Father, forgive him"; say to Thy beloved Mother: "Behold thy son"; say to my soul: "This day thou shalt be with Me in paradise." My God, my God, forsake me not in that hour. "I thirst": truly, my God, my soul thirsts after Thee, Who art the fountain of living waters. My life passes like a shadow; yet a little while and all will be consummated. Wherefore, O my adorable Saviour, from this moment, for all eternity, "Into Thy hands I commend my spirit." Lord Jesus, receive my soul. Amen.

(Indulgence of 300 days, every time.--Pius IX, June 10, 1836)

Modern Day Elite Hollywood Type Twitter Prayer For Joan Rivers composed by Charlie Sheen:
Prayer in the Death Agony

Come to his [her] assistance, ye saints of God! Come to meet him [her], ye angels of the Lord! Receive his [her] soul, and bring it into the presence of the Most High! May Jesus Christ, Who has called thee, receive thee, and may the angels bear thee into Abraham's bosom.

Lord, have mercy on him [her].
Christ, have mercy on him [her].
Lord, have mercy on him [her].
Our Father, etc.

V. And lead us not into temptation.
R. But deliver us from evil.
V. Eternal rest give unto him [her], O Lord.
R. And let perpetual light shine upon him [her].
V. From the gates of hell,
R. Deliver him [her], O Lord.
V. May he [she] rest in peace.
R. Amen.
V. O Lord, hear my prayer.
R. And let my cry come unto Thee.

Prayer:
To Thee, O Lord, we commend the soul of Thy servant, N. N, (handmaid, N. N.), that being dead to this world, he [she] may live to Thee, and whatever sins he [she] has committed in this life through human frailty, do Thou, in Thy most merciful goodness, forgive. Through Christ Our Lord. Amen.

Modern Day Elite Hollywood Type Twitter Prayer For Joan Rivers composed by Ellen DeGeneres:

Litany for the Dying

Receive, O Lord, Thy servant into the place of salvation, of which he hath no hope but in Thy mercy. R. Amen.

Deliver, O Lord, the soul of Thy servant, from all the dangers of hell, from the snares of torment, and from all tribulations. R. Amen.

Deliver, O Lord, the soul of Thy servant, as Thou didst deliver Enoch and Elias from the common death of the world. R. Amen.

Deliver, O Lord, the soul of Thy servant, as Thou didst deliver Noe from the flood. R. Amen.

Deliver, O Lord, the soul of Thy servant, as Thou didst deliver Abraham from Ur of the Chaldeans. R. Amen.

Deliver, O Lord, the soul of Thy servant, as Thou didst deliver Job from all his sufferings. R. Amen.

Deliver, O Lord, the soul of Thy servant, as Thou didst deliver Isaac from being sacrificed by the hand of his father, Abraham. R. Amen.

Deliver, O Lord, the soul of Thy servant, as Thou didst deliver Lot from Sodom and from the flames of fire. R. Amen.

Deliver, O Lord, the soul of Thy servant, as Thou didst deliver Moses from the hands of Pharaoh, King of the Egyptians. R. Amen.

Deliver, O Lord, the soul of Thy servant, as Thou didst deliver Daniel from the den of lions. R. Amen.

Deliver, O Lord, the soul of Thy servant, as Thou didst deliver the three children from the burning fiery furnace, and from the hands of the wicked king. R. Amen.

Deliver, O Lord, the soul of Thy servant, as Thou didst deliver Susanna from false accusation. R. Amen.

Deliver, O Lord, the soul of Thy servant, as Thou didst, deliver David from the hand of King Saul and from the hand of Goliath. R. Amen.

Deliver, O Lord, the soul of Thy servant, as Thou didst deliver Peter and Paul out of prison. R. Amen.

And like as Thou didst deliver Thy most blessed virgin martyr Thecla from three most cruel torments, so vouchsafe to deliver the soul of Thy servant, and make it to rejoice with Thee in the delights of Heaven. R. Amen.

We commend to Thee, O Lord, the soul of Thy servant, N., and we beseech Thee, O Lord Jesus Christ, Saviour of the world, that Thou wouldst not refuse to receive into the bosom of the Patriarchs, a soul for whose sake Thou didst mercifully come down upon earth. Acknowledge, O Lord, Thy creature, not made by strange gods, but by Thee, the only living and true God, for there is no other God besides Thee, and none that doeth according to Thy works. Rejoice his soul, O Lord, with Thy presence, and remember not the iniquities and excesses which, through the violence of anger, or the heat of evil passion, he hath at any time committed. For although he hath sinned, he hath not denied the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Ghost, but hath believed, and hath had a zeal for God, and hath faithfully adored the Creator of all things. Remember not, Lord, we beseech Thee, the sins of his youth, and his ignorance; but, according to Thy great mercy, be mindful of him in the brightness of Thy glory.

Let the heavens be opened to him, let the angels rejoice with him. Receive Thy servant, O Lord, into Thy kingdom. Let Saint Michael, the Archangel of God, prince of the armies of Heaven, receive him. Let the holy Angels of God come forth to meet him, and conduct him to the city of the heavenly Jerusalem. Let blessed Peter the Apostle, to whom God gave the keys of the Kingdom of Heaven, receive him. Let Saint Paul, the Apostle, who was counted worthy to be a vessel of election, assist him. Let Saint John, the chosen Apostle of God, to whom were revealed the secrets of Heaven, intercede for him. Let the holy Apostles, to whom the Lord gave the power of binding and loosing, pray for him. Let all the Saints and Elect of God, who, in this world, have suffered torments for the name of Christ, intercede for him, that, loosed from the bonds of the flesh, he may attain unto the glory of the heavenly kingdom, through the grace of Our Lord Jesus Christ, Who, with the Father and the Holy Ghost, liveth and reigneth for ever and ever. R. Amen.

Modern Day Elite Hollywood Type Twitter Prayer For Joan Rivers composed by Courtney Love Cobain:

Indulgenced Prayers for the Dying from the Raccolta

O Jesu. whilst I adore Thy dying breath, I beseech Thee to receive mine. Being uncertain whether I shall have command of my senses when I depart from this world, I offer Thee even now my last agony and all the sorrows of my passing. Since Thou art my Father and my Saviour, I give back my soul into Thy hands. Grant that the last beat of my heart may be an act of pure love toward Thee. Amen

(Indulgence of 500 days once a day 1902)

Modern Day Elite Hollywood Type Twitter Prayer For Joan Rivers composed by Kathie Lee Gifford:
Indulgenced Prayers for the Dying from the Raccolta

O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee; O refuge of sinners, Mother of the dying, forsake us not at the hour of our death; obtain for us the grace of perfect sorrow, sincere contrition, the pardon and remission of our sins, a worthy receiving of the holy Viaticum, and the comfort of the Sacrament of Extreme Unction, in order that we may appear with greater security before the throne of the just but merciful Judge, our God and our Redeemer. Amen

(Indulgence of 500 days 1856)

Modern Day Elite Hollywood Type Twitter Prayer For Joan Rivers composed by Seth Rogen:
Indulgenced Prayers for the Dying from the Raccolta

O most merciful Lord Jesus, by Thine agony and and sweat of Blood, by Thy precious death, deliver us, we beseech Thee, from a sudden and unprovided death. O most kind Lord Jesus, by Thy most sharp and ignominious scourging and crowning with thorns, by Thy holy Cross and bitter passion, by Thy loving kindness, we humbly pray that Thou wouldst not suffer us to die unprovided with Thy holy Sacraments, O dearly beloved Lord Jesus, by all Thy labors and sorrows, by Thy Precious Blood and Sacred Wounds by those Thy last words on the Cross: "My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?" and those others: "Father, into Thy hands I commend my spirit," we most earnestly beseech Thee to deliver us from a sudden death. Grant us, we pray, room far repentance; grant us a happy passing in Thy grace, that so we may be able to love Thee, praise Thee and bless Thee forever. Amen.

Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory be to the Father.

Grant unto us, Lord Jesus, ever to follow the example of Thy holy Family, that in the hour of our death Thy glorious Virgin Mother together with blessed Josheph may come to meet us and we may be worthily received by Thee into everlasting dwelling. Who livest and reignest world without end. Amen

(Indulgence of 3 years Raccolta 1943)

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