Fr Marcial Maciel The Clown - El Payaso ~ Fr Jack Stegnicki

Afterwards this peace will be disturbed by the monster. And the monster will arrive at the end of the nineteenth century or at the latest at the commencement of the twentieth. (Fr. Marcial Maciel Degollado the founder of the Legionaries of Christ was born March 10, 1920) Secret given by the Blessed Virgin Mary to Maximin Giraud at La Salette, France on September 19, 1846

One of the recurring themes in Fr Marcial Maciel's talks and letters was authenticity, being sincere, not putting on masks. Hypocrisy, he would say, being one thing on the outside and another on the inside, could cause mental disorders. He said that no one can hide forever, that internal strife and division will eventually manifest itself externally. Some people develop nervous ticks, others breakdown altogether.

I remember being in a conference with Fr Marciel in Rome. This theme came up. He said someone had played a song for him that he enjoyed, and he wanted to play it for us. It was called “Payaso” (the clown) by Javier Solis. Let me just transcribe the verse for you and then I’ll make my point.

“Payaso, soy un triste payaso
que oculto mi fracaso
con risas y alegrías
que me llenan de espanto

“Payaso, soy un triste payaso
que en medio de la noche
me pierdo en la penumbra
con mi risa y mi llanto”

A Clown, I’m a sad clown
who hides his failure
with laughter and happiness
that surprise even me.

A Clown, I’m a sad clown
who in the middle of the night
I lose myself in the darkness
with my laughing and weeping
(This is my poor translation. If anyone has a better one, pass it on.)

Now I really wonder if Fr Maciel was sending up a smoke signal, like the criminal who wants to get caught. After a number of years the crime is not enough: he starts leaving a paper trail, and that makes it more thrilling. He doesn’t really want to get caught, but the sense of having someone hot on your tail is invigorating.

I am in no way trying to cover for him: I find his way of life appalling, if not horrifying. But I wonder how he kept it up for so long without cracking.

There was a time I think he cracked. It was in the mid-nineties. He had come back from a trip (we never knew where he travelled to). He had strange red blemishes on his cheeks, not abrasions, but more like hemorrhages. He said he had gone through a crisis, he had asked himself if it was worth living amid so much suffering and persecution.

My first impression was that he was hiding something. I admit I always had my suspicions. It was no secret that Fr Maciel would travel alone at times and take sums of money with him. We were told it was for his many acts of charity, a virtue he learned from his mother. The first time I heard this, it didn’t sit well with me. But then again, when you saw him and listened to him, how could this man be doing something wrong?

I guess I’m saying we all wear masks from time to time. I let mine fall not too long ago. For this I have been somewhat of an outcast in the ranks of the legion. I try to be as sincere as possible when I’m dealing with people and in my homilies, and that has made all the difference.